Mom died a little over three years ago. Still hard to fully embrace. Always that lingering temptation to pick up the phone and call.
When I was a small boy she would say "Kenny, a shinny face is like a shinny new penny. Be clean, well groomed, make your mother proud!"
Now, every time I find a shinny penny I think of her. Whenever I need to be reminded of her strength and her love a shiny penny seems to show up out of nowhere, strategically placed in those soft pillow moments. And I remember. I remember her love, the sacrifices she made, the stand she took for me and my siblings in the most difficult of circumstances.
She was a beautiful woman filled with angst, yet determined to love her children with every fiber of her being. She did.
She always said to me, "Kenny, you think too much." Never understood what she meant. I suppose being a genius isn't as glamorous as it seems. I thought and was taught that thinking was "all that." The "Sin qua Non' of a highly educated man. Could never even entertain the idea that one could "think too much."
Well mom I "think" I finally understand what you meant. Its yet another paradox. Thinking is no substitute for knowing, and it clearly is no replacement for action. And thinking I could "think" my way through life was an error in, well my thinking.
Now I have a "higher education." I know "there are things in heaven and earth not dreamed of in my philosophies." That there are places in the heart not yet touched. I know now that "the heart has reasons that reason knows nothing of." The conflict I felt between the need to act and live in a completely rational way and the irrationality of my heart is now resolved. It took a while, a lifetime of whiles. But I got it. Wish I could have got it sooner.
Maybe it was my lack of courage, or just ignorance. I know it now. I know its true. Thank you for being patient. I know it wasn't easy for either of us.
I miss you mom.
I hope and pray that you are surrounded by light and love where ever it is your spirit sailed off to.
I love you. I miss you. You will always be in my heart.
Thank you for being my mom.
Happy Mothers Day
Hi Ken...I wipe a tear of understanding as I read your words...I lost my mom in 1995 and I talk to her daily...telling her little things, with the hope that some of those thoughts reach her and make her smile too. She loved as best she could, gave everything and then some and kept little or nothing for herself. I don't know if it is because of the hard life she lead that I choose not to go that way at all costs.
ReplyDeleteI do know that she wanted more than anything for me to be happy and to not let life beat me down, so every laugh I laugh louder for her, every smile bigger for her and yes every tear a few more for her.
Emotions are waves and I too hope those waves find her and bring smiles and laughs and very little tears, except tears of joy.
Thanks for sharing :)
see you out there
It sounds like your mother was an incredible woman and it is never too late to express those appreciations we have for those who mean the most to us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your willingness to be open and share on this meaningful day. I lost my father a few years ago, so this entry resonates with me. My mother is still with us and this is an important reminder to cherish her while I can.